I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize