I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
