i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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