My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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