I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
