So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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