Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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