just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
