i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
