You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
