I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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