just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
