i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
