so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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