guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
