is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
