My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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