we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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