My friends, they love my intelligence
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You made out with two different species that night
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
