I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
