It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
