john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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