There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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