I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
