Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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