dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
