If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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