went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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