I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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