Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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