i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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