you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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