Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you didnt know i had herpes?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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