so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize