Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize