I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize