if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize