the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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