its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
