If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize