I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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