We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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