I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
