please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
