How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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