in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
