I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
