My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
