literally had 100 drinks last night.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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