That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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