she woke up with a sticky ear
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
