you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
