Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
