i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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