i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize