I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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