I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
